12!

We are in our twelfth week and will start our thirteenth on Monday! 

We are painting in the house (well, Joey is. I'm tellin' ya, he's really stepping into this 'Dad' role!) and making the house as perfect as we can before the baby comes. Lights that haven't been working now work. Old outlets have been replaced. The fence in the yard will be happening this summer and I'll be ready to graduate.

Yesterday at work, we had our open enrollment meeting and I was hit with the reality of how much our insurance is going to cost now with a family. It was a moment of panic that lasted the evening. I know things will be fine, tight but fine, and once my car is paid off (in 7 months!), it won't be bad at all. Still, moving ahead, I freaked. I know this feeling has to be normal and I'm not concerned as much as I was, and just needed a good night's rest (which didn't happen. Weird dreams, constantly peeing).

I'm very moody lately. I often times wake up on the wrong side of the bed. This means that I say it nearly enough, but I'm so grateful for Joey. I'd feel so alone in this if it weren't for him. He's so involved. He reads the baby book, he works on the house, constantly wants to know how I'm feeling and where we're at with the baby stages...anything I need him to do, he does without complaint. 

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I am glad I started writing this, I want to keep this  so I can remember all these little things ...time sure flies!

How far along? 12 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I haven't weighed myself since our last appointment, and don't feel the need to check it on a regular basis. I'm a little concerned that I won't gain weight the *right* way. Too fast, too slowly...but now my appetite is coming back in full force so I'm feeling glad that I can watch what I eat instead of worrying that I haven't been eating enough.
Maternity clothes? Mostly stretchy pants and flowy blouses. Going for the "Lily Aldrin" from How I Met Your Mother pregnancy style. 
Sleep: Meh. Little concerned that this early on, my bed is SO uncomfortable :/
Best moment this week: Seeing Joey paint our sitting room. Seriously, it looks SO much better.
Movement: Alleged movement. Haven't felt it yet!
Food cravings: Macaroni and Cheese and Corn Dogs. See? Appetite is back ;)
Belly Button in or out? in
Words of Wisdom: It'll all work out!
Milestones: Cletus is the size of a plum! 

Taking It Easy

Relaxing is something I've always been good at.

Wait, let me start again.

Lying about being fine and relaxed is something I've always been good at. Grab a glass of wine, swallow my words, call it a day. BAM. That means fine.

When you're pregnant, that's not something that happens.

I've already written about how tough it's been for me to relax, but Monday we had a stressful day with some medical scares. Seeing that heartbeat Tuesday morning was a relief, but also a wake-up call for me. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to see a heartbeat because I always make a mountain out of a mole-hill (we're not talking a regular mountain here, we're talking Mount Olympus-can't-see-the-top-of-it kind of mountain). I'm a stressful person by nature. Anyway, seeing that beating heart sent me into a mindset of "Okay, Rachel. Time to let things go and take care of yourself". 

I don't know how many people experience that feeling, or how often they experience it, but it's not a thought. It's a full body experience of realizing that you're not #1 priority anymore. In a sense, I guess you are, but it's directly related to the success of your child. Anyway, that experience is exhausting. Every day this week, I've awakened feeling more tired than I did before I went to bed the night before. It gets better if I eat something, but it's exhaustive. 

Learning to say "no", to pull away from projects, and to delegate in my home are things I have to knowingly act on. Joey asked me yesterday how he could help, and I said "I don't know" because I like things done a certain way. If he does them wrong then I'll just have to do them anyway, so why not just do them? 

See? Exhaustive.

I need to let go and let Joe. 

(Did you see that, honey? It's all you!)

Everything is Good

We had an appointment this morning and everything is wonderful. It's amazing the difference a month makes. Cletus was dancing around today and having a blast. It was great to see the little one, and to get some movement on the video.

How far along? My dates were off, so now 10 weeks, one day

Total weight gain/loss: I've lost 2 lbs since becoming pregnant. I guess it's okay because they didn't seem worried.
Maternity clothes? Pants and shirts. So yes, but mostly belly band to keep my unbuttoned pants a mystery.
Sleep: Definitely need more of it. I overdid it this weekend and need to learn to say "NO" to people and not allow my guilt to drive my decisions.
Best moment this week: Seeing the baby and knowing the heart was beating and okay.
Movement: none yet
Food cravings: I wanted a waffle so badly on Sunday that I would have committed a crime for it.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? in
Words of Wisdom: just say no!
Milestones: Cletus was 'boinging' his/her legs off of me and bouncing up and floating back down in the u/s. Did it several times and it was adorable. What a sweet personality already. 

**update from raging rachel yesterday**

So, after a good conversation via text with a friend, and after several episodes of "The Andy Griffith Show" and a lukewarm (eh, I take what I can get) bath, I finally eeked out my feelings in between involuntary tears (I really wanted to be more badass and straightforward. As mentioned earlier, I take what I can get). I also wasn't as clear and logical as I wanted to be. I think the "conversation" went along the lines of

Me: I'm frustrated with you because I had a long day and I'm so tired and so sore and you were playing xBox and drinking beer when I got home. I can't relax, I can't figure it out, and you're just having a good ol' time.

Joey: I'm sorry, baby. What can I do to make it better?

Me: Sell the xBox and stop drinking beer.

Joey: Okay. Want a foot rub or to go to Taco Bell?

Seriously? That's all it took? Why was ragey rachel so strung out? I do not understand these emotions I'm feeling and I definitely don't understand how Joey can be so understanding about them. Later on the conversation went on:

Joey: If you get home and I'm doing something you don't want me to be doing, then just tell me and I'll do anything else.

Me: (Sobbing, wtf?) That's the problem though! I don't know how you can fix it. I don't even know how to fix it. I just want you to stop having fun and be miserable with me. I can't ask for that!

Joey: Sure you can! I'll drop everything and come be miserable with you!

How do I avoid this weirdness in the future? I guess just talk about my feelings. Hm...so THAT'S what that means.

In our tenth week

     In our tenth week, I feel different. I feel tired, but not as tired as I have been. I feel cranky, and every little thing sets me off. It's like all the little stuff I used to just put aside and 'let go' is starting to come back to me in waves. Not those gentle waves that lull you to sleep, those waves where you're standing with your back to them and you eat sand. Yesterday, I was sweeping the floor and was thinking to myself, "Joey has all weekend to do this stuff! Why doesn't he use his time off to help out around the house??" and I kept cleaning and grumbling. My brain, sober as ever, chimed in and said "Rachel, he has been working every weekend. He deserves some down-time. Besides, you just spoke with him and he said the house was clean. By his standards, it was clean and you can relax." Then hormonal Rachel ate my sensible brain and kept on her cleaning tirade. 

    I'm having a very tough time relaxing. My bath water can't be boiling like I like it, I can't have my glass of pinot noir, and eating crappy food makes me feel, well, crappy. I feel stuck, like I can't feel better. It's not depression or anything like that, it's just difficult to find my 'happy place' when I've been able to sit in a hot tub with a glass of wine (ok fine, 3 glasses) until I felt better before. Now, I just sit, sipping my decaf iced tea, griping about something not being clean enough. 

    I need to calm down and I'm not sure how to do it.

Ok, for the fun stuff before I forget:

How far along? 9.5 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I haven't weighed myself since our last appointment, but I feel myself getting bigger. I'm gonna say I've gained 5 lbs in all.Maternity clothes? Pants, sometimes. I am out of the bloated/fat stage and coming into the actually pregnant looking stage. Not there yet though, and still have to wear stretchy pants. I did buy a bellaband and that helps my unbuttoned pants stay put. Sleep: Eh. I wake up sore. I've never liked this mattress though, and I wouldn't mind if it caught on fire today.Best moment this week: Sleeping. Not many great moments yet.Movement: none.Food cravings: Lots of sweets. Like, more sweets than I've ever wanted/eaten in my lifetime. I've decided to cut way back on sugar though, I don't want di-beetus.Labor Signs: noBelly Button in or out? inWords of Wisdom: Yikes, I don't have any. Maybe a mantra is what I need...Milestones: My uterus is the size of a grapefruit.