Wait, let me start again.
Lying about being fine and relaxed is something I've always been good at. Grab a glass of wine, swallow my words, call it a day. BAM. That means fine.
When you're pregnant, that's not something that happens.
I've already written about how tough it's been for me to relax, but Monday we had a stressful day with some medical scares. Seeing that heartbeat Tuesday morning was a relief, but also a wake-up call for me. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to see a heartbeat because I always make a mountain out of a mole-hill (we're not talking a regular mountain here, we're talking Mount Olympus-can't-see-the-top-of-it kind of mountain). I'm a stressful person by nature. Anyway, seeing that beating heart sent me into a mindset of "Okay, Rachel. Time to let things go and take care of yourself".
I don't know how many people experience that feeling, or how often they experience it, but it's not a thought. It's a full body experience of realizing that you're not #1 priority anymore. In a sense, I guess you are, but it's directly related to the success of your child. Anyway, that experience is exhausting. Every day this week, I've awakened feeling more tired than I did before I went to bed the night before. It gets better if I eat something, but it's exhaustive.
Learning to say "no", to pull away from projects, and to delegate in my home are things I have to knowingly act on. Joey asked me yesterday how he could help, and I said "I don't know" because I like things done a certain way. If he does them wrong then I'll just have to do them anyway, so why not just do them?
See? Exhaustive.
I need to let go and let Joe.
(Did you see that, honey? It's all you!)
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